When you're pregnant, you dream....A LOT. I've had the craziest of dreams and the sweetest of dreams. Last night (well early this morning), I had a nightmare. I was at a wedding and was thrown into being IN the wedding. I did not want to be there. I cried and cried. Think Rachel showing up for Ross's wedding on "Friends" and almost having to see the love of her life marry someone else. That was me in this dream. It was horrible. It left me emotionally exhausted and therefore I woke up tired this morning instead of rested.
The person getting married in this dream wasn't Richard, but it was someone that I truly care about and someone that I've hurt.....both directly and indirectly. I guess in some ways I was getting a taste of my own medicine. It sucked. What sucks even more is that I could go on and on apologizing to this person my entire life and it still wouldn't undo the hurt. My life took a different path.....one that I never expected. I'm very happy and content in my life....it's one that I'm very proud of. But, to think that I have truly hurt this person upsets me very much. I'm grown now and more apologetic than ever. I understand the extent of the hurt now.....even if I can't ever undo what's already been done.
I'm sorry for rambling but there's a good chance that the person that I'm talking about in this Blog might see this. Just know that I'm sorry. 2005 is a year that I want to start on the right foot. I want it to be a year of new beginnings. And if I have to start here, then so be it.
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Hi, Kim!
Wow, sounds like your day started out lousy! It really sucks when you wake up already feeling down. I'm sorry! I know how powerful dreams can be. I hope things got better and that one day time will smooth those regrets of the past.
I like your life- I really do. I enjoy hearing about all of the funny times, the frustrating times, seeing the pictures...your life is in a very good balance.
Sometimes, our subconscious just creeps up and kicks us. My cousin told me once a long time ago that whenever she recalls something embarrassing, disturbing or hurtful she just tells herself "that's a thing of the past now" and moves on. Maybe that will help you put it out of your head.
It sounds like you've already made several attempts to put things to rights and you've left the ball in someone elses court. It's out of your hands now, so give yourself permission to be free from it.
We can't help the silly, less wiser people we used to be, we can only learn from that. My mom said once that when you regret something you did as a younger version of yourself, you should just trust that you (at that time) were doing what you thought was best for you. You made a decision you thought was right back then.
There are so many different ways to trust yourself.
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