Mixed feelings....

If this post offends anyone, I'm sorry. This has been on my mind all day and I just felt the need to blog about it.

Andrea Yates was declared not guilty by reason of insanity today. As you may remember, she drowned all 5 of her kids in their bathtub back in June of 2001. This story has weighed heavily on my heart because Kyra was born shortly after that and I suffered from post-partum depression, so all of that was very scary and very real to me.

Before I discuss her, let me discuss a little bit of my mental illness and what I went through.

Having a baby should be one of the most joyous events of your life. It's right up there with meeting the man of your dreams and getting married. But the reality is that many women, myself included, struggle after the birth of a baby. Things aren't so "happily ever after". It's a very harsh reality. I already felt pangs of it in the hospital. I thought once I took Kyra home that things would be better. They weren't. Add a lot of sleep deprivation to those feelings and you've got a very emotional and unstable person. I remember waking up one morning and crying and crying. Richard was scared. I was crying more than Kyra was. I kept thinking, "Gosh, I don't feel like myself. I want to feel better, but I can't. What's wrong with me?" Kyra's reflux peaked around 3 weeks old and she cried nonstop. I struggled with trying different formulas to try and make her feel better. I was stressed. I called my mother-in-law and begged her to come back up here to stay with us. I did not want to be alone with the baby. Clearly, I was not myself at all. One night I had enough, so I called a number that Richard found and by the next day, I had an appointment with a therapist. By this time, I was almost 6 weeks post-partum, so I visited my doctor and told her how I was feeling and she immediately put me on Zoloft.

Very soon after that, I started to feel better. Every day that passed by was better than the one before. My therapist and I discussed the fact that I had probably supressed feelings of grief over my mother's death 10 years before and they were now rising to the surface with the event of Kyra's birth. I agreed. So many things made sense now.

I did my research and became educated on how pregnancy and birth can affect a woman's body and also her hormone levels. I soon learned that depression was nothing to be ashamed of. I never hid the fact that I was on medication and had seen a therapist. The more people I talked to, the more I realized that they too had issues similar to mine.

When Kyra was between 2 and 3 years old, I slowly weaned off of Zoloft. After Maeve's birth, those feelings of helplessness came back, so I got on Zoloft once again. I'm not ashamed of asking for help. I'd rather be a happy mommy and be able to cope rather than be sad all the time. I'm still on it too. I will slowly wean from it when I feel the time is right.

What angers me the most is how people think that you are "looney" when you suffer from depression. It doesn't work like that. It's a chemical imbalance in your body that just causes things to be a little "off" and it really plays with your emotions. Some women have no problem whatsoever after they have had a baby. The levels slowly return to normal and they are fine. Others take longer to bounce back and sometimes their levels are so high and then plummet very quickly. This is what I think happened to me.

With Maeve's birth, I was educated and knew what to do immediately. Richard didn't hesitate to agree with me and support me this time around. I wanted to feel better because I was breastfeeding and had to take care of my baby. I didn't feel that way the first time around. Perhaps I was scared and the depression was really taking over or perhaps it was just normal first-time mom jitters. I don't know.

I'm happy to say that I have overcome it. I saw all of the warning signs and red flags and did something about it. Andrea Yates didn't have the support that I had and it cost 5 small, innocent children their lives.

So what do I think about the verdict? I think it was fair. I honestly believe with all my heart that this woman was and still is very mentally ill. Is she guilty? You better believe she is. The question is did she know whether or not she was killing her children?

The mind is a very strange thing. When I had Kyra all alone as a baby, thoughts ran through my mind as I gave her a bath. What if she fell in? What if I dropped her? I didn't want to hurt her, but I was so scared that something would happen to her and I would be to blame. Maybe it was because of hearing about this case that I reacted like that. I don't know. But never before had my mind turned to thoughts like those. It was very weird.

It's evident that this woman had severe mental issues throughout her life. Yet she kept getting pregnant and kept giving birth to these babies....all while her (ex) husband stood by and thought nothing of it. I honestly wish that there was a way to convict him because I think by his negligence, that he's to blame for a lot of it. If I were in that severe of a depression, you can bet that nobody would have left me alone. I have friends and family that care about me too much and care about the safety of my children. Her (ex) husband should be ashamed of himself and I hope that he lives with guilt forever....guilt for not stepping forward and insisting that his wife get the help that she needed. The least he could have done is removed those children from her care. If she couldn't take care of herself, then how in the world would she take care of 5 small children?

Then the images start to sadden me. I can't imagine the fear that each of those children must have felt as their own mother, the person that they trust and rely upon for love and support, ended their lives....one by one. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. Tonight I will think of those children and hold mine just a little bit tighter. I'll kiss Kyra's cheek and I'll stroke Maeve's hair and remind myself that I'm very lucky. Some people never come out of a mental illness. My therapist talked a lot about how they would perform shock therapy in these institutions as a last resort. Medication doesn't help everyone. I'm just grateful that it helped me.

Justice will never be served on behalf of those 5 children....at least not in this lifetime. It's sad, but true. I can only hope that this case has brought more attention to mental illness. I hope that it's brought more knowledge and understanding. If someone you know is going through a rough time, instead of turning away, offer your support in any way you can. They will be pleasantly surprised and you will be rewarded by the smile on their face.